Dear Dr. Hurd: I found your web site after searching for answers as to why a man I had been dating internalized a comment I made about myself, then fell apart and ended our relationship. The day before he told … Continue reading
A reader asks: Is there a difference between self-pity and depression? Yes, but … I’m uneasy with the premise of the question. I’ll explain. Let’s first define self-pity. Generally, when a person accuses oneself or another of self-pity, it’s an … Continue reading
Here’s a new phrase for you: anticipatory regret. It sounds a bit abstract, but it’s a very real problem inhibiting a fair number of people. The (usually subconscious) reasoning goes like this: “I could make a course correction in this … Continue reading
When people reject the need for introspection as a ‘waste of time,’ they’re denying objective reality. The objective reality at stake is their consciousness. Consciousness consists of thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings—including ones outside of awareness—are mental events. This … Continue reading
It’s drummed into our heads that true friendship and true love are selfless. Nobody attempts to practice this principle consistently. It would be ridiculous. Choosing a friend (or romantic partner) selflessly? Choosing a friend precisely because he shares none of … Continue reading
You hear it all the time, at least if you’re in a profession such as mine—where people hire you for answers, objective perspective, advice or feedback. One spouse or family member says the following about another: ‘When I tell him … Continue reading
‘I have no expectations.’ Or, ‘I didn’t know what to expect.’ (The implication being that ‘I had no expectations.’) People say this a lot. And they generally believe it when they say it; but it still cannot be true. Why … Continue reading
Nearly everyone seems to agree that self-confidence is a good thing. But few ever take the time to define it; or even ask what it is. The idea ‘self-confidence’ implies confidence OF something or IN something. The obvious implication is … Continue reading
Dear Dr. Hurd: What is it that happens to us mentally as we mature, that the mystique of events and accomplishments lose meaning and that emotional passionate edge we felt in our youth doesn’t ignite us any longer? For example, … Continue reading
A 2009 study of psychotherapy patients in the U.S. and Great Britain found that many patients are “subjected to a kind of dim-sum approach — a little of this, a little of that, much of it derived more from the … Continue reading
People say this all the time: ‘I know, intellectually, that such-and-such is true. But I don’t feel it.’ The next question is usually, ‘How can I make myself feel it?’ This is what reasonable people often expect a psychotherapist to … Continue reading
Sometimes, when children act up or adults become emotionally distraught, the question arises: Are they just doing it for attention? I would say yes, this is often true. But the issue isn’t ‘attention’ so much as visibility. People have an … Continue reading