Why Some “Nice” People are Toxic

Here’s a type of person who’s usually toxic, but you will never know why: the kind of person who says yes to everyone, never considering his own needs or rights, and expects you to do the same.

If his subconscious were permitted to honestly speak it would say: “I accommodate everyone else, and always put myself last. So you had better do the same for me.”

This is the self-sacrificer who becomes the other-sacrificer. It’s a particularly nasty kind of person. Why? Because he’s fueled by what some call the Heaven’s Reward fallacy: “We’re all supposed to be good people. Being good means you’re always 100 percent selfless, always giving way to others. I’m doing it for everyone else. So I’m entitled to have you do it for me.” In other words: “I let everyone else walk all over me, and I’m their slave; so now you are obliged to reward my good deeds and be MY slave.” Beyond ridiculous.

It’s twisted and wrong, and if ever exposed to the rational light of day, this subconscious reasoning would not survive two seconds. But we’re talking SUBconscious here; we’re talking psychology, not conscious viewpoints.

The unspoken reasoning is wrong on its own terms. Even if you accept the idea that we all should sacrifice all the time for others, then — on that very premise — you have no business expecting someone else (your spouse, a family member, a friend or a stranger) to consider your self-interested needs. That would be selfish, and therefore (allegedly) wrong — by your own reasoning! Why? Because the minute that other person sacrifices for you, you’re gaining something — which, as a selfless person, you’re never supposed to do.

The conversation never gets this far, of course.

Whatever you do, please don’t marry or become seriously involved with a “nice,” toxic do-gooder. If someone seems nice and giving and all those things but then turns into a real SOB at the drop of a hat, then you can probably guess this will be the cause.



Follow Dr. Hurd on Facebook. Search under “Michael Hurd” (Charleston SC). Get up-to-the-minute postings, recommended articles and links, and engage in back-and-forth discussion with Dr. Hurd on topics of interest. Also follow Dr. Hurd on Twitter at @MichaelJHurd1, drmichaelhurd on Instagram, Michael Hurd Ph.D. on LinkedIn, @DrHurd on TruthSocial