A few of the many funny (and sometimes slightly serious) things this straight-shooting and sharp-witted woman said:
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive. Things are happening.
Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don’t need it. It all comes out onstage.
It was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
I will only praise someone who can’t take anything away from me.
Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
Love may be a many-splendored thing, but hate makes the world go round. If you think I’m kidding, just watch the six o’clock news. The first twenty-nine minutes are all about dictators and murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst of all, real housewives.
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
She was asked a question about a recent Israeli offensive in Gaza, and a photographer asked her about the death toll in Gaza, to which she replied: The dead? You deserve to be dead. You started it. Don’t you dare make me feel sad about that.
I’ve learned: When you get older, who cares? I don’t mince words, I don’t hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It’s been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I’ve never been invited!
You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
Life is very tough. If you don’t laugh, it’s tough.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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