Each of us probably knows at least one person who deals with relationships and responsibilities in an ‘indirectly direct’ way; failing to get things done — but always ready with an excuse. This type of personality is referred to as ‘passive-aggressive.’
Passive-aggressiveness manifests itself as a quiet, obstructive resistance to following through on personal or job-related tasks and obligations. Through the skillful use of ‘learned helplessness,’ stubbornness or procrastination, a person fails to fulfill tasks for which he or she is responsible. A good example would be the employee who, when asked, happily agrees to organize a meeting. But he takes so long to complete each step — offering excuses such as calls not being returned, a slow computer or whatever — that things aren’t ready when the deadline arrives. A co-worker ends up scrambling to complete the task.
In a way, passive-aggressives are worse than openly aggressive people. At least aggressive people make it clear, in words and action, where they stand. Where they stand may be wrong, but at least you know. Passive-aggressive people won’t tell you where they stand. They leave it implicit, and they do it deliberately. It’s not just shyness or lousy communication. It’s a deliberate intention to leave you wondering, so they don’t have to take responsibility for what they’re actually thinking and feeling.
A passive-aggressive person says one thing and then does another. Comment on what he said, and he’ll act as if he never said it. Comment on what he does, and he’ll refer back to what he said. If she’s an hour late or always “forgets” about your plans, she’ll insist that she still wants to do them. If he commits to one kind of relationship or association and then proceeds to do something different, he’ll insist the initial commitment is what he wants.
Passive-aggressiveness can be downright maddening, but there’s a way to short-circuit it. Just tell the passive-aggressive person whatever it is you intend to assume if they don’t respond. Say, “I’ll assume you’re NOT coming unless you tell me otherwise.” Or: “I’ll assume that the information I gave you is accurate unless you tell me otherwise, by tonight.” You can also just give up and say, ‘Y’know, your words don’t match your actions, so I don’t believe you.’ A therapist I know tells her passive-aggressive clients that, “Your words say one thing, but your actions say another.” This might not change their behavior, but it will certainly make your life easier.
Columnist and author Cecil Adams makes an interesting point: ‘Passive-aggressive isn’t a disorder but a behavior — sometimes a perfectly rational behavior, which lets you dodge unpleasant chores while avoiding confrontation. It’s only pathological if it’s a habitual, crippling response reflecting a pervasively pessimistic attitude.’
Most human behavior — even dysfunctional behavior — is adaptive. People sometimes learn to be passive-aggressive in childhood. For example, their parents might have been arbitrary, erratic or abusive. Passive-aggressiveness can become a defense mechanism; a way to cope against difficult odds. From a child’s point of view, it’s quite reasonable. The problem develops when this behavior carries over into adulthood. That’s why I’m always saying introspection and self-awareness are so important. You don’t have to grow up to be what your childhood shaped you to be.
Passive-aggressives are obstructive. You might tell a passive-aggressive person what you want, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won’t say when, and he’ll deliberately do it slowly — or maybe he won’t do it at all. He stands in the way of any progress. This is quite probably his intention, but you can’t know for sure. You can’t read his mind. If you accuse him of blocking the process, he’ll reply, wide-eyed, ‘What do you mean? I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
I once dealt with a passive-aggressive accountant. If I received a routine but (to me) confusing notice from the IRS, I would pass it along to her — and she’d never reply. Finally, I would leave her a voicemail saying ‘I’m assuming I don’t have to take any action on this notice. If I’m wrong, let me know. Otherwise, I’m throwing it away.’ Wouldn’t you know, once I started doing this, she would promptly reply, since it was, after all, her responsibility.
Passive-aggressiveness leaves people frustrated and guessing, while still leaving one’s options open. If someone asks you to do something, and you don’t reply, well, you didn’t turn them down, but you didn’t agree, either. I know a person whose spouse is extremely passive-aggressive. He never agrees or disagrees with any request. When finally confronted with whatever request he (implicitly) agreed to, he looks surprised and says, ‘This is the first I’ve heard of it!’
When dealing with a passive-aggressive, don’t be a victim. You can’t control another person’s choices or behaviors, but you can control your own. Passive-aggressives run roughshod over people who try to be reasonable. But you can be reasonable while handling passive-aggressive people they way they deserve. You might even get some results.