Barely a day goes by when someone doesn’t ask, “How are you feeling?” Given all this concern (sincerity notwithstanding…), it seems like “feeling good” should be the primary goal of our human experience. But in fact it’s not. Think about it: Does it always feel good to do the right thing – even when it’s in your own interest? Of course not. Doing the right thing to advance your life is sometimes hard. It requires delayed gratification and difficult choices. In order to choose what’s best, we often put off something of lesser importance in favor of something of greater importance, and it doesn’t always feel good to do that. But not feeling good every moment of the day doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong.
People make stupid decisions and/or get addicted to things when they conclude that feeling good all the time is a worthy goal. “I know it’s a problem for me to engage in this behavior, but it makes me feel good.” It’s hard to dispute this argument if you’re convinced that feeling good is the end all and be all. No wonder so many people stubbornly hold on to their self-destructive behaviors; the natural result of which can be depression.
Some mental health professionals say that depression is a psychological condition that changes your social behavior, your sense of physical well-being, and how you think and feel. As a cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist, I believe the truth to be exactly the reverse. The way you think is the primary cause of your feelings, depressed or otherwise. Not understanding this point leads many people to get stuck in their depression. They assume, “I’m depressed because of a condition that somebody has to get rid of while I passively sit back.” You won’t get that sort of reaction from a cognitive-behavioral therapist. What you will get is: “You’re feeling this way because of how you think. We have to identify and examine your negative thinking, and then work to change it. If we’re successful, you’ll start to feel better. We also have to identify your self-defeating behaviors and how they are based on negative thinking and mistaken beliefs. Changing those will lead you out of depression and into a better life.”
Authority figures make matters worse. When the pursuit of “feeling good” leads to self-destruction, people are lectured against being “selfish.” This is like telling a person with a medical illness, “You shouldn’t have been breathing all those years. If you hadn’t been breathing, you wouldn’t be alive to get sick.” Ridiculous, of course. Not being selfish means not being self-interested – in other words, not alive. All living organisms must be self-interested to survive and flourish. Living is not the mistake; it’s the way one goes about it that causes psychological problems.
My experience over the years suggests that the ultimate goal is serenity, i.e., achieving a state in which you are in command of your mind and exercising your free will in the most competent way you can. Along with that sense of control comes a healthy lack of concern for things you cannot control. People who lack serenity spend a lot of time fretting over things they can’t control (usually, other people). During discussions such as this, people will often say to me, “But this is easier said than done.” True enough. But we have to start somewhere, and the path to good mental health requires getting past your mistaken assumptions. One of the first is to stop trying to just feel good, and instead learn to love what life has to offer you. At first, it might not “feel good” to use your mind and master the power to expand and maintain your psychological well-being. But look around: Everything of value was achieved by someone, somewhere, using their reasoning, thinking and rational minds. If they can do it, you can too. The possibilities are limitless once you stop worrying about how you’re going to feel in the process.
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