A reader is seeking “closure” from his girlfriend who recently dumped him; closure meaning a neat, painless ending that might come anyway with the passage of time. But time can’t be rushed, and closure can’t be faked or forced.
People seeking closure after an emotional breakup often tell their therapists or friends, “I need to talk to him/her. I want closure.” Which, when translated, almost always means, “I want to make sure the relationship is really over. I hope, somehow, that it can be rekindled. I can know for sure by talking to him/her again.”
This emotion often occurs in the face of all the evidence that the relationship is indeed over. Why? Because of denial. The person in denial is surrendering to wishful thinking rather than facing the evidence that says harshly (but accurately), “It’s over.”
True closure involves not only accepting the facts and getting out of denial, but also understanding why and how the relationship ended. That takes time, and that’s why it can’t be rushed. An important part of reaching that understanding is what psychotherapists often call ownership: The understanding and emotional acceptance of what role (if any) you might have played in the breakup. For example, your partner may have had an affair and lied about it. The dishonesty and betrayal are her responsibility, not yours. However, if she had an affair in part because of dissatisfaction with you, then true closure can only happen once you “own” the fact that you played a role, however unintentional, in her dissatisfaction. None of it excuses her dishonesty, but it at least explains what motivated her to cheat.
Enduring the loss of a relationship means more than just facing facts. Even a rational person needs time to integrate the ownership and perspective. There are things you can do to help accelerate the process. One is to introspect, reflect and talk about your feelings. Acknowledge the hurt without denying it. At the same time, achieve the perspective and understanding to move past the denial. Seek closure as your ultimate goal, but don’t confuse closure with denial. If you feel like rekindling the romance even if facts prove that to be impossible, then at least acknowledge that desire. But don’t kid yourself that “just one more conversation” will somehow change everything.
In the case of the young man who emailed me, there will be hurt and pain whether he stays in touch with the lost partner or not. In fact, he’ll probably feel a lot worse for a lot longer if he stays in touch in the name of closure. It’s a contradiction to immediately start relating to a former significant other as nothing more than a friend. Even if you eventually become “just friends,” it can only happen after a period of distance and a mature attitude on the part of both partners.
Closure eventually comes to anyone willing to be patient and to think about the issues. The other person’s presence is not necessary. Most faltering relationships have conflict and verbal exchanges while they’re unraveling, and when you think back on these you can get pretty good clues as to what made the other person unhappy. At some point, nostalgia will probably kick in, and both parties will only remember the good times. That’s natural, understandable and has nothing to do with reality.
Some people say that loss through a breakup is even worse than loss through death. With death, there’s no rationalizing or denial about regaining the relationship. With a breakup or divorce, you have to separate fact from fantasy in a more rigorous way. At least in that sense, it’s more difficult.
Closure comes when it’s good and ready. You can facilitate it through patience and a perspective about what really caused the loss in the first place, including what might have been the part you played in the process.
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