We often hear the expression that somebody “takes things personally”. Is it always a mistake to feel that way?
It’s not healthy to automatically assume that everything is about you – especially when it might not be. From your perspective, your life is, and should be, your central concern. And the same is true for others. So when you habitually interpret something someone else does (or doesn’t do) as an attack on you, chances are pretty good that you’re mistaken. The FEELING that another has you in mind when they do something you dislike has to be based on evidence, which may – or may not – be there.
It’s liberating and psychologically healthy to remember that what others think of you really isn’t your problem. You have no control over what others think. So why clutter your mind with stuff you can’t change? Just worry about your reputation with yourself, rather than your reputation with others. If you respect yourself, then the right people will come to you. That’s a basic fact that chronically insecure people fail to see.
It all boils down to interpretation. Using our moment-to-moment perceptions as input, our emotions make quick “knee-jerk” interpretations for us. But it’s important to examine those interpretations, as some might not be correct. Think of it as fact-checking. Though dishonesty in government and media has given that term a cynical veneer, it’s actually the most effective technique for weighing our feelings against the cold facts of reality. We would all do well to make honest fact-checking a part of our daily lives, lest random, often inaccurate feelings adversely influence our behavior. In fact, we’re MORE vulnerable to untruths in the media and elsewhere if we’re NOT in the habit of fact checking our immediate feelings.
When tempted to automatically believe another person or to take something personally, ask yourself, “What’s the evidence that he or she had me in mind when he or she did – or failed to do – such-and-such? Based on the facts, what other explanations are available?” Really think about it, and be honest. Try to see from the other person’s point-of-view what might have lead them to act a certain way, even in a way you didn’t like. Ask yourself if you’ve ever done the same thing. If so, did you intend to harm others, or was there some other motivation?
At first glance, it might seem cumbersome to do this. But if you strive to make it a habit, this sort of moment-to-moment fact-checking can help you make sure you’re not letting your emotions assume that things are personal when they’re probably not.
When people tell me, “I don’t want to fact-check and/or keep a journal because it’s too time consuming,” it’s like telling your dentist, “I don’t want to brush and floss because it’s just too time consuming.” Seriously? Maintenance and examination of your emotions is just as important for your sanity as the upkeep of your teeth is for your health.
Of course, none of this means you’re still not going to be annoyed, disappointed or even angry if someone does — or fails to do — something that hurts you or that you disagree with. In those cases, it’s time for a discussion with yourself: “What am I legitimately entitled to, and what am I not entitled to?” And remember that even when someone is negligent or disappointing in some way, it doesn’t automatically mean that it’s an attack on you. Whenever someone else does something questionable or wrong, it’s almost always because of their own issues and problems. You don’t have to tolerate it, but you do have the freedom to choose how to respond to it. Life’s too short to simply hand over your mental health and serenity to what some other person might think, do or say.