(Un)Fashionably Late, and Friends Taking Sides

A Delaware Wave reader writes, “I’m always late. My friends end up being disgusted with me (they try to be nice, but I can tell). Some have even stopped calling. I guess they feel I’m being rude, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. What’s wrong with me?”

Dear Reader, don’t ever ask, “What’s wrong with me?” If you view yourself that way, your life will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. “I’m a bad person, so there’s no point improving myself.” Let’s rephrase that to read, “What am I doing wrong?”

Think of yourself as an otherwise valuable person who has a bad habit. And it’s up to you to change. Change comes in two forms: behavioral and cognitive. The obvious behavioral change is to stop being late. The simplest fix is to give yourself more time. Some people even pretend that the appointment is 30 minutes earlier than it really is. Whatever it takes, do it. Being on time will make you feel good and you’ll want to do it again.

Cognitive change is more complicated, and refers to the way you think about things, i.e., why you do what you do. You might need a bit of counseling for this one. Maybe you resent being on time because you feel it’s unfair, even though others hold themselves to this standard. Maybe you think it’s trivial to be on time, when in fact you are breaking a commitment. Or maybe you believe you must say yes to everything, thereby overloading your schedule. You have to address these false beliefs or your behavioral plan won’t work.

Some therapists like to label people “ADD,” referring to attention deficit disorder. They claim that lateness is caused by ADD. Whether that’s true or not, it has nothing to do with changing your thoughts and behaviors. The path is simple: Don’t undermine your efforts by applying labels as excuses.

Yet another reader writes, “I’m frustrated. My ex-partner left me over a year ago. I thought everything was OK between us, but apparently our friends are not OK. When there’s a party, a few will still invite one of us and not the other because my ex tells them how uncomfortable he is when I’m around. I was uninvited from a New Year’s party after I accepted and canceled other parties. I was skipped over for a Labor Day party because he was invited. The hosts feel that I should understand, but to be excluded is weird and hurtful.

“I don’t know what my ex is saying to these people to make them so uncomfortable. He has a new partner, and I’m still single by choice. Some say that I should back away and find new friends. What’s most frustrating is that my ex and I never argued or fought and wouldn’t do it now for any reason.”

To that I replied: Nothing will change unless you can persuade your friends or your ex to do things differently. The best case would be to meet privately with your ex. What do you have to lose? If he agrees to a meeting — in person, not email — then ask him to be honest about why he’s uncomfortable. Is it anything you’re doing? Explain that it’s more hurtful to be excluded from get-togethers than it is to be broken up with him. If there’s anything you can do to correct the problem, you’d love to do so. If this works, then your mutual friends will have the green light to invite you both.

If it fails, or if he won’t agree to talk, then the next best option is to talk to your friends. Some friends may feel like your ex is uncomfortable, but he might not have said that. These situations are awkward, and often there are misunderstandings that can be cleared up.

If any given friend minimizes or ignores your hurt feelings, then you have to question what kind of friend this is. If talking still yields no results, then maybe you don’t need the friendship as much as you think you do.