A Bit of Advice for a Couple of Loyal Readers

Well, this has been a week of text messages and emails! I suspect people are trapped inside because of all this snow here at the beach. Either way, (1), thank you! And (2), here goes:

A Delaware Wave reader writes, “After my girlfriend and I got married, we played host to her mother. My wife has a good job and currently supports us. Her mother is, shall we say, not shy about expressing her opinions, and apparently she is less than impressed with the fact that I am currently “between jobs” (I consider myself an entrepreneur and I’m waiting for the perfect opportunity…). Anyway, at one point (out of my presence) she called me a “lazy bum!” Should I be mad at her? And if so, what should I do?

Dear Reader, my first thought is that you approach your wife and say to her, “I wonder why your mother felt comfortable making those comments. Did you defend me? Or do you think she has a point?” Maybe your wife is just shy speaking up to her.

On the other hand (there’s always another hand, isn’t there?), if the painful truth turns out to be that her mother is reflecting your wife’s complaints about you, that’s something you need to know. You and your wife have to get that out in the open. It might be painful, but it’s better to face it head-on than to have it emerge down the road.

You ought to be angry at your mother-in-law, but not nearly as much as your wife should be. Her mother insulted the man she loves. Loving mothers don’t do that. Controlling ones do, but control is not the same as love. Feel free to point that out to her, or better yet, encourage your wife to do so.

Yet another reader asks, “I’ve been going through some “issues” lately, but I’m afraid to go to a therapist. My family insists that I need some sort of medication (none of them take any) and I’m afraid that some therapist is going to make me take pills. My problems are not that big a deal, but I could use an objective opinion from somebody whom I can trust to not whip out a prescription pad. Tell me what to do.”

Dear Reader: Let’s start with your family members’ insistence that you take medication. Does anyone in your family have medical or psychiatric credentials? Does anyone in your family have personal (and, more importantly, positive) experience with medication? (Even if that’s true, medication that might help another will not necessarily help you.) I will assume the answer to both of these is “no.”

For every anxiety/depression medication on the market, I can think of perhaps one person who felt some benefit from it, and at least half a dozen who didn’t. Medication for emotional maladies is not an exact science, in spite of what the chirpy drug company commercials want you to believe.

Interestingly enough, most people who believe that psychiatric medication does more than it actually does are those that have never taken it. I’m here to tell you that neither medication nor therapy, for that matter, can change reality. How you approach reality is up to you. Therapy can guide and support you, but cannot “make you better” with no effort on your part.

I’m not going to tell you, in a newspaper column, to take or not take medication. You’re going to have to rely on your own best judgment. A good therapist will first talk things out with you, then you’ll both take it from there. If you don’t want a therapist to tell you to pop pills, then simply tell him or her. Note that a therapist usually holds a Ph.D. or a Master’s degree (not an M.D.), and cannot prescribe drugs anyway. If you go to a competent therapist you’re going to talk, not take medicine. And he or she will not try to make you do what you don’t want to do.