So many people misunderstand forgiveness.
You cannot forgive someone who’s not sorry. I repeat: You CANNOT forgive someone who’s not sorry.
This isn’t merely an opinion. I’m not saying, “You SHOULD not forgive someone who’s not sorry.” That would be an opinion. It’s a fact: You cannot forgive someone who’s not sorry, because if they’re not sorry, there’s nothing to forgive.
“Forgiveness” implies a psychological exchange or a trade. I say I’m sorry and you decide to let me slide, or to forgive me. In time, you’ll find out if I was sincere or not, or if you made a mistake, or not, in forgiving me. The point is that I at least claimed to be sorry, and then you made a decision to forgive right there, right or wrong.
One way to know someone is sorry is when they provide (without coaching) an acknowledgement of what they did. “I know I did the following to you, and I’m very sorry for it.” The acknowledgement should not be in your own words. It should not and cannot be coerced or pressured. It has to come from the heart and the thinking mind of the person who’s sorry.
Empathy is a thinking skill. A person with empathy for you, because of what he or she did wrong to you, will have THOUGHT out the implications of what it must have been like for you, and the results of that thinking will be contained in the words of the apology.
People get hung up on whether or not to forgive. They feel like, “I’m not a good and fair person if I don’t forgive”. This puts ALL of the onus for the wrongdoing on yourself and NONE of the onus on the person you’re considering for forgiveness. It’s all backwards!
Let the person SHOW he or she is sorry, and then make the decision, pro or con, about forgiving.
Forgiving is neither inherently good nor inherently bad. It depends on the objective circumstances. Part of the objective circumstances includes whether the allegedly sorry person is remorseful enough to do the thinking required to inspire empathy.
Obviously, good words of acknowledgement are not enough. They are a necessary condition, but not a sufficient one. You’ll have to see remorse demonstrated by consistent and different actions in the future. “I’m sorry I’m often late.” The best apology is never being late again. “I’m sorry I called you that hurtful name.” The best apology is never coming even close to calling you names again, no matter how much you might disagree on something. “I’m sorry I lied to you.” The best apology is never lying again, although that’s a tough one because (1) liars only lie about 10 percent of the time, and (2) you never know when they are or aren’t lying, until it’s too late.
So many of us get forgiveness wrong by putting all the dilemma on ourselves, when we were the ones treated unjustly, not the ones who did the wrongdoing. It’s unhealthy and just plain unfair. Don’t accept the burden. Place it on the person who did you wrong.
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