Don’t Let Toxic People Wear You Down

It takes more than intelligence to avoid a toxic relationship.

As Kristen Fuller, M.D., writes: “I myself had all the tools to avoid a toxic relationship, but I entered into an emotionally and mentally toxic relationship with someone who seemed like he had everything: a great family, prestigious education, a successful career and apparently a kind personality. I quickly realized this was all a facade and learned how deep toxicity runs and why it is so hard to escape emotional and mental torture when someone looks so ‘perfect’ on the outside.

“As the saying goes, ‘Beauty is only skin deep.’ I learned the importance of recognizing toxic relationships and friendships and how to navigate these types of relationships. I have learned to cut out the bad people in my life and treasure those who bring positivity. In the end, I have become a stronger person in all capacities, even though it took being dragged through what seemed like endless amounts of darkness.”

Toxic people “seduce” you with their good qualities. In other words, they count on your liking them for their objectively good qualities as a way to minimize or mask their negative qualities.

Toxic people have false beliefs. For example, “If I’m charming or desirable with my material or social status, I can treat people however I want.” For a time, it’s true. But think about it. The kind of person who will only care about material or social status will not be a very loving, reliable or loyal person. On the surface, the toxic person gets away with something. But as time goes by and it becomes clear just how toxic he or she is, high quality people are driven away.

What is a “toxic” person? There are many different types. One article describes the following as toxic personalities: overly critical; passive-aggressive; narcissist; “stone waller”; and antisocial (or sociopathic). In essence, a toxic person is deliberately mean-spirited and seeks to play out this mean-spiritedness with others. Toxic persons like to poison the atmosphere because it makes them feel a sense of power (sociopathic / narcissistic); or because it alleviates pent-up frustrations (passive-aggressive); or because it makes the toxic person feel strong, even if only through irrational stubbornness (“stone walling”).

In short, toxic people are individuals who seem like they’re worth it, but they’re really not. Over time, you come to see what’s happening. The challenge is not to question yourself once you see it. The antidote? These very important words I quoted by Dr. Fuller above: “I have learned to cut out the bad people in my life and treasure those who bring positivity.”

That’s it, in a nutshell. See toxic behavior for what it is. Reaffirm that you don’t need to have this in your life, not for five minutes. Your marital partner is toxic? That’s what divorce is for. Don’t like divorce? Well, then stay put and see how much you like spending the rest of your life with someone who’s sociopathic, narcissistic or passive-aggressive. Family relations are toxic? Where is it written that you have to spend time with them? Who can force you?

If there’s a more important reason (business, finances, kids) where it’s worthwhile to keep such a person around, at least for a time, then psychologically own your decision to make that your priority. But in owning that decision, also recognize that you can change your mind at any time it becomes worthwhile for you to do so. We’re allowed to change our priorities and change our minds; often it’s essential!

Don’t let toxic people wear you down. Eliminate them from your life or, when not immediately feasible, minimize your involvement with them. Don’t be a victim. See toxic persons for the sad losers they truly are. Keep your distance, not just from their company but from their whole poisonous way of thinking, speaking and living. Never feel sorry for them. They brought this on themselves, and often they enjoy the negativity they create. None of that has to be a part of your own atmosphere. Maintain your benevolence and do as this wise physician suggests: Treasure those who bring positivity.

Believe me, it works. The people with the greatest serenity are those who have eliminated toxic people from their lives. It’s much more possible than you think, and it will make all the difference in your happiness.