We all know somebody who says, “He pushes my buttons.” Or “She knows how to manipulate me.” But what do these complaints actually mean? Steven Stosny, Ph.D. at psychologytoday.com [8-14-15] states that “Emotions move us.” Indeed, the Latin root of the word, “emotion,” literally means “to move”; preparing us to do things by sending chemical signals to the muscles and organs. Whenever you have an emotion, you’re moved to do something, whether or not you act on it is your choice.
To understand why emotions move us, we first have to define what emotions actually are. In my book Grow Up America! (available at DrHurd.com, by the way) I defined emotions as “broad categories of feelings and self-statements which are an expression of your ongoing value judgments, ideas, and observations. Emotions represent such value judgments and ideas in automatized, immediate form.”
Emotions, while biologically influenced (everything is, since we’re biological beings), are not ultimately biological. Emotions are ultimately thoughts in an automatic, condensed form. When you’re angry, it’s the product of a belief you hold about someone or something. “Joe screwed me over!” is the product of your belief that Joe factually did something, and your underlying conviction that it violated some rule of conduct or morality. When you say that someone knows how to push your buttons, what you’re really saying is, “This person knows how I think, what’s really important to me, and how to say or do things that encourage me to become aroused within that context.”
Often, the statement has a negative connotation. But it really depends; maybe it’s sexual or romantic arousal, pleasure or humor; maybe it’s a determination to distract you, put you down, or otherwise throw you off course. It sometimes seems as if others are “making” us feel a certain way. But ultimately, feeling a certain way is due to our own ideas, beliefs and convictions. As an example, you might tell a small lie or do something else you consider wrong. Then a friend exposes your lie. You might feel like this friend or associate is “making me feel guilty.” Actually, that’s not true. While the friend might be the precipitating factor for your emotion, he or she is not the cause of your emotion. In that case your emotion — guilt or shame — is caused by the fact that you actually did something that you consider, by some standard, to be an otherwise questionable action.
Facts combined with evaluations about those facts are the deepest, real causes of emotions. The late cognitive psychotherapist Albert Ellis, Ph.D. had a great way of illustrating this point. Ellis said that all emotions are caused by two things: One, an activating event, and two, an underlying belief, assumption or idea. The celebrated therapist made this into a convenient, easy-to-remember acronym: ABC: A: “Activating” event (e.g., I tell a white lie). B: “Belief” (e.g., your premise that lying is always wrong, even a white lie), and C: “Consequence” (the emotional consequence, in this case — shame or guilt).
The emotional consequence will depend on your underlying belief or premise. If you don’t believe white lying is ever wrong, or if you’re a sociopath don’t even think lying is wrong, then you will not feel guilt or shame. You might feel something else, but not that. Use your reason, common sense and rational intelligence to figure out the actual cause of your emotions. Don’t get distracted by blaming or fixating on other people. That is part of what it means to take responsibility for your emotions, and ultimately for your own life.
Follow Dr. Hurd on Facebook. Search under “Michael Hurd” (Rehoboth Beach DE). Get up-to-the-minute postings, recommended articles and links, and engage in back-and-forth discussion with Dr. Hurd on topics of interest. Also follow Dr. Hurd on Twitter at @MichaelJHurd1