A Healthy Outlook: Part of Good Parenting (DE Coast Press)

It seems that no sooner did summer start, that back-to-school is just around the corner! In spite of the summer beach pleasures, many parents will face issues with their kids involving academics, focus and concentration. Will your child pay attention in class? Will he behave? Will she learn? Will he embarrass you, or make you proud?

Are there signs that parents should look for? And how can one tell the difference between genuine psychological concerns and simple laziness or bad habits brought on by too much taffy and bonfires on the beach?

Occasional depression and other emotional issues such as rejection, disappointment and frustration are part of life. But unpleasant emotions should always be the exception, not the rule. If your child is sad more often than not, then there’s obviously a cause for concern. But I urge parents (and teachers and physicians) not to rush to apply groundless mental health labels and all the counterproductive excuses that go along with them. In over 30 years of clinical practice, I have learned that well-intentioned labels can often become part of the problem.

Mental health terminology can be intimidating. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, conduct disorder, and oppositional-defiant disorder are only a few examples. In spite of the medical resonance of these and other terms, parents need to remember that none of these are diseases in the usual sense of the word. They are never entirely physical problems over which the child has no control. In fact, they are, more often than not, behavioral problems related to factors such as stress, personality and/or environment. They are problems that require solutions that are not purely medical. If they were, a couple of trips to the pharmacy would clear everything up. Most often, the solutions are a mixture of talking things out (maybe with the help of a counselor), and positive incentives coupled with rational punishments. Sometimes it can be nothing more than the need for quality time with the family.

The media grossly oversimplifies what’s going on inside a child’s mind. For example, some mental health experts will conclude that your child suffers from “depression,” or “attention-deficit disorder,” and that all he needs is “treatment,” as if the fix were as passive as a pill for the flu. It almost never is. It’s also tempting to expect teachers and medical professionals to take over the responsibility for important aspects of raising a child. While it’s true that they can be crucial supplements, even the best ones can never substitute for effective parenting.

Children flourish when they receive attention, moral and intellectual guidance, and a sense that life is full of happy possibilities. Parents are in the most powerful position to provide this, because kids spend most of their time with their parents and naturally rely on them to communicate – mostly through example – what life is all about.

Many of today’s stressed-out households have a hard time providing much of anything beyond video games and trendy clothing. These things are fine, but they’re not what’s required to raise a child. Families need to make time to eat together and talk, plan, and think about events of the day. You can’t put a price on these, and you can’t excuse them away by coming up with complicated-sounding psychiatric labels. Young children cannot develop a confident sense of life unless adults communicate it through language and behavior. Pills cannot accomplish this. Time and effort will.

Children must know that their minds and thinking skills, not cool backpacks and the latest iPhone, are the most crucial components of self-esteem and happiness. Even the best teachers can’t completely tackle this responsibility. In fact, teachers, parents and mental health providers can actually undercut a child’s intellectual needs by labeling him and then walking on eggshells around him, providing the child with the perfect excuse to dodge any responsibility he may find distasteful. I see that every day.

Mental health professionals cannot provide quick fixes. They can only offer ideas and support for the complex and demanding job of being a parent.