Blame and shame are not reasonable, healthy motivators. People will sometimes try to motivate you via shaming and blaming. Sadly, these methods are such a part of daily life that most of us take them for granted and tolerate them far too much. Much of this starts in childhood, when children are shamed and blamed by parents whose own elders did the same thing to them, perpetuating the cycle.
Examples of things others (or you) might say to invite a response of blame or shame in another:
“What’s wrong with you? Why won’t you do what I want?”
“You’re selfish.”
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”
“What an idiot you are.”
“That’s OK. I’ll do it myself. Why do I expect anything from you in the first place?”
The possibilities are endless. The point is: The blaming or shaming person is appealing to emotion, rather than facts, logic or reason. The blaming or shaming person might or might not have a valid point, rationally speaking. It doesn’t matter. He or she is going for the emotional response to generate a desired action on your part. That’s the error.
The rule here is not to do this to others. But just as importantly, don’t let others do it to you. If someone attempts to motivate you via blame or shame, then either ignore it, or insist that they make their rational case.
Example. “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. You’re so selfish.”
Possible reply: “Please explain. We’re all interested in ourselves, and should be. That label will not sway me. Please tell me the facts and reasons why you believe I’m acting in a wrong way.”
The purpose of this is not to make the other person back down, and come to reason. Sometimes, that will happen. But you can’t make that your goal. People will go to reason if they want to; quite frankly, people who engage in shaming and blaming usually will not. But when you respond in this way, at least you have put the onus of responsibility back on them. If they fuss, fume, or call you names, then you’ll know you’re probably on the right track. Walk away and refuse to take any abuse. Ditto if they passively-aggressively retreat, ignoring your request, and then lash out again emotionally at a later date.
The primary error of the shamer or blamer is the use of intimidation and emotion over reason. Emotions are a valuable and beautiful part of the human experience. But to use emotions in this way, as a substitute for reason to try and force others (not at gunpoint, but psychologically) to do things contrary to or in the absence of reason is simply wrong.
It’s not only wrong for the person you’re trying to shame or blame. It’s ultimately wrong to yourself, if you’re the shamer/blamer. Why? Because people who respond to shame and blame do not do so because they like, admire, respect or agree with you. They’re simply kowtowing to your intimidation.
On the surface, you got them to do what you want, by calling them names or otherwise intimidating them. But you don’t have their loyalty, their love, their respect or anything you would ever need to count on in order to have their compliance and agreement in a sustained, authentic way. You set yourself up for a continuing struggle and battle, one which you’ll finally lose when the shamed and blamed person finally gets fed up and stops listening to you altogether.
But can’t shame be rational? Isn’t personal responsibility, which sometimes means accepting blame, important? Of course. But shame, guilt or regret are only rational emotions when facts and evidence back them up. The person who’s shaming and blaming you generally does not have facts, logic and evidence; the shamer and blamer only does these things to appeal to your insecure emotions. The shamer/blamer is a lazy thinker. He or she FEELS you’ve done something wrong, but will not take the time to reason it out and prove it.
At the root, the shamer/blamer appeals to your insecurity, low self-esteem, or your unhealthy need to be liked at any cost. These are errors, and weaknesses. Don’t let the worst people appeal to the worst within you. Stand up for yourself and demand that people provide proof for what they claim, without any form of psychological intimidation. If they make a persuasive point and prove you wrong, based on all the relevant facts and logic, then you’re the better for it, and you should thank them. But if all they want to do is tear you down, either ignore them or fight back.
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