The War Against the Self (DE Wave)

How many times have we heard people say, “It’s all ego.” Or, “He did it out of ego.” Or worse yet, “I don’t want this to be about ego. I want it to be about something better, or higher.” All that might sound honorable and virtuous, but what does it really mean? The Oxford Dictionary defines “ego” as: (1) a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance; (2) the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

According to these good definitions, when people attack or disparage ego, what they’re really saying is, “I don’t want this to be for the sake of self-esteem,” or, “It’s all about his orientation to reality; it should be something higher.” Putting down one’s ego is like putting down the word “I.” See the contradiction? The moment that a person disparages you for having “too much self,” he or she is implying that you should be benefitting someone other than yourself. But what about the person receiving your sacrifice? Doesn’t he or she stand to gain from that? So by this reasoning, doesn’t that makes them selfish?

Some people look at ego as the equivalent of narcissism. But narcissism is not self-esteem, and it’s not reality, either. A narcissist is someone who focuses on himself, but does not recognize the right or need of others to focus on themselves. The unspoken ethical code and psychological style of a narcissist is: “Self-interest applies to me; but not to you.” The error here is not in self-interest or ego. The error here is in holding a double standard.

Narcissists are often very insecure. Some of them are highly accomplished in their professional fields, though they often drive underlings and colleagues to anxiety. In their personal lives, they can be demanding and self-centered. This need for constant attention and reinforcement drains the emotional energy out of anyone unfortunate enough to be their romantic partner. Such psychological issues are not indicative of too much self-esteem; they indicate too little self-esteem. And not too much reality orientation, but too little.

When you have a healthy ego, you expect others to have the same. You want what you want, and within reasonable boundaries you seek to achieve it. You’re wise and reality-oriented enough to grasp that you cannot get what you want from others by stepping on their egos. You might sometimes bump mental heads with their egos, but you never seek to sidestep them on principle. If you ignore others’ equally valid needs, then you pay the price in reduced loyalty and personal connection. You might inspire fear, but you’ll never inspire admiration or trust.

Some mistakenly equate the presence of ego with lack of generosity. But in someone with a strong self-esteem and a healthy orientation toward reality, you will often find a generous outpouring of love. It takes rational love of oneself, along with passionate love of life, to truly love another in a non-neurotic, life-affirming way. Happy people with self-esteem make the best friends, lovers and associates. It’s a myth that ego leads to stinginess and nastiness. By extension and quite naturally, people who love life and themselves love the people they choose to have around them. We all choose the kinds of people with whom we want to be associated. Anyone who sanctimoniously claims otherwise is a liar.

Healthy ego is all about knowing what and whom you love, and being loyal to those principles. Those who are at odds with their own interests are of no significance to someone with authentic ego, nor should they be. If such people feel ignored, that is their own problem, and the result of their own lack of ego rather than the presence of ego in another. So when you hear somebody putting down ego, remember that they are actually attacking reality and self-preservation. Both in others and in themselves.