Is your relationship hard work? (DE Wave)

Is your romantic relationship smooth and effortless? Or is there a constant sense of “walking on eggshells” and trying not to offend the other? Over 30 years of clinical experience have convinced me that truly good relationships do not require constant “work.” Good relationships already work well, because each partner is getting what he or she wants. Ask anyone in a happy, mutually satisfying relationship, and this is what they will tell you. And yes, there are people who tell me that all the time.

The real work consists of figuring out what YOU want, and evaluating whether or not a prospective mate has those qualities. If you complete this task successfully, then your relationship will not require much work. People who evade this exercise often end up concluding that marriage is a lot of work and sacrifice.

Of course, people’s wants and needs can change over time. So can their personalities and their values. For this reason, in many marriages, it’s necessary for each partner to reevaluate the relationship as well as his or her partner at various junctures. The classic example of this is when two people raise children. The kids grow up, move out or go to college. At that point, there can be a real crisis if the spouses no longer view themselves as compatible. A crisis is not a catastrophe, although disasters can result when two people expect everything to proceed as automatically as it did when the kids were growing up. This isn’t necessarily realistic or possible.

A lot of people treat marriage, or any form of long-term relationship, as a prison. No wonder so many rebel against the “institution” of marriage. They should rebel if marriage is to be treated as an institution! Institutions consist of courthouses, mental hospitals, and the place where you get your driver’s license renewed. No loving contract and exchange between two individuals should ever be experienced in that psychological venue. It’s sadly ironic that the language of marriage — “commitment” to the “institution” of marriage — is the same terminology used to describe mental patients entering an asylum.

If your romantic partner is the kind of person with whom you really want to spend your time, then you naturally want to please this person who brings you so much joy. Because he or she embodies what you value, it makes you happy to see him or her happy. It would be contradictory to try to please somebody at the expense of your own values; and that person should not want you to do so. If you are properly matched, the relationship will never be a sacrifice. Rather, it will be something that adds value to both of your lives.

Beware of the entitlement mentality! People sometimes feel entitled to have exactly what they thought they were getting in the person they married, or perhaps what they got ten or twenty years before. Again, this isn’t necessarily realistic. Probably the main reason marriages don’t last is because one or both partners change in ways that no longer make them suitable as a couple. How many times have you heard someone say, “I love so-and-so but I’m not IN love with him/her.” In almost every case, you were once in love with the person. But something changed in one or both parties.

Despite the fact that crucial junctures can occur over the very long term of a marital relationship, it still doesn’t mean that “work” should be the norm. If work means a constant state of negotiation or angst, then there’s something wrong in the match between the two people. Remember that one of the most important keys to a happy relationship is mutuality. Mutuality means each party gains or benefits — emotionally — simply by the other person being who he or she naturally is.