Does Your Relationship Make You Happy? (DE Wave)

It’s easy to lose perspective when you are experiencing doubts about your relationship. But sometimes a temporary setback or bad mood can be eradicated by taking a step back from the day-to-day and asking yourself one, basic question: “Does my relationship/marriage make my life better than it otherwise would be?” In other words, what are you getting out of your involvement with that person; what psychological costs (if any) are involved, and is it really worth it?

This little exercise won’t be easy if you’re at all conflicted about your romantic relationship. For one thing, as a child you were probably brainwashed that it’s “bad” to be “selfish.” And it’s certainly a selfish act to think seriously about whether you’re getting what you want out of your relationship. But that kind of selfishness might be the only thing that can save your relationship, your peace of mind, or both. So forget about all the childhood malarkey: Do it anyway. Be selfish. Why? Because your mental stability, which is certainly in you and your partner’s best interest, depends upon it.

Most people don’t analyze their personal lives very much. We analyze our financial and career lives; we consult magazines, websites and experts, but we often minimize our personal lives, as if we were supposed to run on automatic pilot. But it can sometimes get even worse than that. If you’re a man, you’ve been led to believe that women are basically irrational and incapable of reason; therefore, why bother to aim higher and seek out a more reasonable woman, or dare to hold her to a more rational standard? Many guys are taught that if they’re not getting what they want, they can indulge in online fantasies or maybe have an extramarital affair. Or, if that’s not your moral or psychological style, you can simply throw yourself into work or time with your male friends. It’s amazing how often I see this mindset.

And women aren’t immune to this misdirection, either. And many have been taught not to expect very much out of men. In the past and to some degree even today, many women were told by their mothers to marry a man for security, not satisfaction. “So long as he brings home a paycheck and does not abuse you too much, what’s the problem?” Women are constantly encouraged to think that all men are exploitative jerks; never to be trusted. For both men and women, this is a socially sanctioned form of prejudice. No wonder over 50 percent of marriages fail, and why many people cry “selfish!” when I suggest that you can and should expect something of your partner. In fact, it’s perfectly reasonable to expect from another person anything you’d expect of yourself (and live up to). The happiest relationships and marriages I see are those where the parties respect, look up to and admire one another.

If you’re unhappy with your relationship, then try this exercise. Ask yourself, “What would life be like if, beginning tonight, my spouse, never came home again? What would I feel at first? And what would I feel after a month? Six months? Over a period of years?” Focus not only on what your emotions would be, but also on what the objective, factual reality of your circumstances would be.

None of this is meant to be morbid or cruel. But part of my job, both in my office and in this column, is to provide perspective, to help people make sure that they’re not taking their relationship and what it has to offer for granted. And it’s eminently healthy to know exactly why and how you value your current romantic relationship.

Most of the people who do this exercise come to the realization that their marriage is more important to them than they realize. As a consequence, they appreciate it more. They start to treat their spouses better, and their spouses respond in turn. And conversely, some of the people who do this exercise realize that they, in fact, would be much happier without their spouse in their lives. At that point, some difficult decisions must be made.

No matter what the outcome, it’s still better to be psychologically aware of where you stand – with yourself and with your partner – than to live in evasion and denial; quietly wondering what could have been.