Do you and your spouse argue over money? Perhaps you have heard of couples who find it helpful to have separate finances and bank accounts. What makes certain couples reach the decision to handle money in this way?
Many reasons and motivations are possible, all depending upon the individuals involved.
Some people, in their personal relationships, are simply more communal than others. For example, if one spouse earns $20,000 a year and the other earns $100,000 a year, they put all the money into a single account and share it equally. This approach can set up an entirely different set of expectations than if accounts and finances are kept separate.
More individualistic personalities believe each partner should have the right to—and be solely responsible for —the money that he/she earns. In a marriage, of course, you presumably want to share with your spouse. You want to share because you value your spouse as a crucially important person in your life. It need not be a sacrifice for you to pool your money together, so long as your spouse is productive to the best of his or her ability.
Given that income is typically a function of the market, two individuals can be equally productive even though one makes more money than the other. You might, for example, believe in your spouse’s art ability and support her in developing this talent—even though, for a long period, she may enjoy little or no income.
Why, then, would somebody want separate finances in a marriage? Many people feel they have been taken advantage of in the past, and don’t want to repeat the experience. Others seek to shelter money in the event of a divorce.
We live in a highly adversarial and litigious age, and this mindset has transferred itself, to some extent, to marriage and family. Many women, as well, feel safer if they can keep their finances separate. They prefer this added sense of autonomy over their lives, as opposed to the traditional notion of a woman depending upon a man for her livelihood. Some women make much more money than their husbands, and prefer to keep finances separate for the same reason that many men do. Does separating finances make for more or less fighting over financial issues in a marriage?
It depends on the particular couple. If each partner prefers to arrange his or her finances separately, then they are less likely to fight about it. Serious conflict over money only arises when one member of the relationship wants to handle finances one way, and the other member of the relationship wants to do it in the opposite way. One advantage to separate finances is that neither party can assume that he/she has automatic access to the others’ money. It creates a sense of personal boundaries. Personal boundaries (in this context) are represented by this usually unspoken emotion: “I made this money and it belongs to me. You can certainly talk with me about using it to buy something you want. In many cases I’ll be happy to give or loan it to you. I passionately love you, after all; and my interest is closely tied to yours. But we still have to talk about it first. You can’t simply assume that my money is automatically yours.”
The overwhelming majority of married couples I see in my psychotherapy practice have joint accounts. Sometimes I suggest they separate their accounts, if only as a temporary measure, when they are fighting over money. They look at me like I’m crazy. It’s like questioning motherhood, or apple pie.
Yet I wonder if the couples who separate their money are not fighting about it as much, and therefore are less likely to present for counseling. It’s something to think about. What’s the right way for couples to handle finances?
It is most important to communicate your desires calmly and clearly, in the spirit of ensuring that both sides benefit. Make it clear—first to yourself, then to your spouse—how you prefer to handle the money. If you both agree on the terms, then fine. If mutually agreeable compromises are necessary, then that’s fine too. Where most people go wrong is that they don’t communicate to each other (or even themselves) what they desire. They proceed on either unspoken adherence to family/social tradition or on subconscious, emotionally held expectations about the proper way to handle money. In effect, they assume everything should go automatically and smoothly with no effort or thought. When this fails to happen they become alarmed, go on the defensive and perhaps prematurely conclude that their marriage is in trouble.
Misunderstandings and hurt feelings inevitably result from such an approach—with money or anything else. This is generally the state in which couples come to my office, after much of the psychological damage has been done. Damaging, hurtful things have already been said that are now impossible to reverse. On the positive side, such couples are usually motivated to change and challenge their previously held expectations.
They can see for themselves that the status quo is most certainly not working. Unfortunately, too many people are afraid to try something different. They won’t consider separate accounts, for example, “because that’s just not how it’s done.” People cling to old ideas simply because they are old and traditional; and they pay the consequences for it. What are some common errors made by couples who take the separate account approach?
Don’t assume your spouse is happy with the arrangement, merely because he doesn’t say anything about it. Keep the lines of communication open. Reevaluate how the arrangement is working every so often. Sometimes people “stew” over money because they feel it shouldn’t be an issue in a marriage; then it all blows up.
Parents-to-be should reevaluate their finances once a child is on the way. Having children is the ultimate lifestyle change, financially and psychologically. It’s likely, once you have a child, that you will need to place at least part of your income in a joint account to cover expenses involving your child. Separate accounts are not the norm in most marriages, even today. But more couples are considering this option than in the past. We live in a more selfish age. Many lament today’s increasing selfishness. I don’t agree. I think it’s wonderful that people have more choices than ever before. Why should everyone blindly follow the party line, living by others’ standards (or merely tradition for its own sake) when it might not make rational sense for them to do so?
Keeping finances separate does have one important psychological advantage. It communicates to the other person that he or she is not entitled to what you earn just because you are married. This is the premise upon which any healthy marriage must operate —regardless of how finances happen to be organized.
Traditionally, it was thought to be a man’s job and moral obligation to economically support his wife. Husbands, quite literally, were their wives’ keepers. A wife viewed herself as morally entitled to her husband’s earnings because her job was to run the household and his job was to earn the money for the household. Women were effectively shut out of most professions, so it was logical and fair that they turn to men to take care of them.
This sense of entitlement is no longer explicitly and automatically present. Nor should it be. Other than temporary periods when one parent stays home full-time to raise a young child, marriages today have the opportunity to become healthier. Neither party should depend on the other economically over the long-run. In this more individualistic context, it now makes more sense to consider separate accounts than in the past.
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