We generally assume that holding people accountable for their actions—even when they are accountable—is harsh and tough. Many of us call it “tough love.” Some use the term favorably, and many do not.
It’s considered bleak, “Calvinistic” (I’ve heard this accusation) and even immoral to hold people responsible for their actions. This is true whether you’re looking at things in a social-political context, or simply a personal or family relationship, or with a friend.
Actually, just the reverse is true.
When you hold people accountable for their actions—or hold yourself accountable—the implication is: There is a choice. You could have made a different choice. You didn’t, and now you have to pay the penalty of whatever happened as a result. But next time you’re perfectly free to make a different choice. You don’t have to keep repeating this endless cycle.
I find this uplifting, not discouraging, mean or harsh.
When people tell you, “There, there, it’s not your fault,” when that isn’t necessarily true, they’re not doing you any favors. If you choose to believe them, then you’ve cut off the possibility of any behavioral or cognitive change, going forward.
If you only associate with people who tell you that you’re totally a victim, even though you’re usually not, then you’re poisoning the psychological atmosphere of your life. On the surface, you’re telling yourself that such people are “supportive.” But “supportive” implies support of some particular idea or attitude. If the idea or attitude others in your life are fostering is the belief that you have no choices, then they’re contributing to your stagnation or decline, not your advancement. Is this what you think of as “supportive”?
I’m not suggesting that everything is always under your control. But you always control how you respond to something, even something negative for which you’re not responsible. If you think like a victim, you will only focus on what happened to you. If you think like a self-responsible, self-actualizing doer, then you’ll instead focus on what’s possible, and what choices you now have.
Avoidance of depression is the central psychological buzzword of our time. Psychology defines depression as “learned helplessness.” In other words, depression is not a biological state. It’s a learned attitude. To feel constantly helpless is to feel like a continual victim. Finding people to agree with you and support you in that attitude will not do anything to change your life. You can only change your life, if you’re unhappy with it, by changing the way you look at it.
We’re all familiar with the need for self-esteem. But what creates self-esteem? Feeling good about yourself? Many interpret this to mean: Don’t hold yourself accountable for your actions, and instead make excuses. Otherwise, you’re blaming the “victim,” i.e., yourself.
Not true. When you aren’t a victim, you shouldn’t look at yourself as a victim. You should own your own role in contributing to the problem, and in many cases you probably did (however unintentionally). Liberate yourself from childish anger and resentment, and rise to the level of accepting responsibility for your errors…so you can challenge and correct them. This is what being grown up means. It’s also what serves your own best interests, enables you to be most in contact with objective reality, and fosters rational and independent living.
Beware of people who don’t want you to think or feel responsible for your own actions. They’re all around us. They have their own agendas. Perhaps they know they hold you back by fostering a victim mentality within you. Perhaps they really think it is the nicer and better attitude to foster. But how well has this worked out for them?
And if they appear to live very successful and effective lives, didn’t they get that way through repeatedly taking responsibility for themselves? Why do they hold themselves to this standard, while not expecting or encouraging you to do so? What does this say about their estimation of you—and how well can you trust them?
Most people assume: Either be nice to yourself, or be hard on yourself. The first is healthier; the second is more moral.
I reject the false alternative. When you accept responsibility for your errors, you set the stage for continuous improvement, learning and progress. This is the way to feel good, about yourself and about life. And there’s no need to be hard or harsh with yourself. All you need to do is be reasonable and honest. Stick to the facts. Live in reality. There’s no better way to learn how to feel good about yourself. This isn’t mean. It’s honest, it’s reality-oriented—and it’s the way to feel authentically good.
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