A lot of people love to do affirmations first thing in the morning – to keep themselves feeling peppy and positive.
I myself have some favorite go-to affirmations which I love. But, I gotta say, sometimes I’ve noticed that affirmations just don’t work. Especially if I’m feeling particularly “curmudgeony” – which is when I need the mental and emotional support the most.
Has this ever happened for you too?
My clients have told me it happens for them a lot. The other day one of my clients told me a specific story – of how they woke up that day feeling especially negative. They found themselves downward spiraling in their thoughts – until they became overly worried about a big client meeting.
So they reached for a positive affirmation: “I am a brilliant communicator with big ideas. I create huge success.”
It was a no-go. Both their conscious and subconscious minds just weren’t buying it.
The problem? Often when you’re in a highly negative state, then fluffy, hyperbolic, one-size-fits-all peppy affirmations will simply feel like false hype – and you’ll have trouble absorbing them into your thought system.
(PsychologyToday.com 5/6/14, Karen Salmansohn, self-help author)
This example shows how we cannot fool ourselves – and we shouldn’t try.
These phony affirmations foster a surprisingly prevalent myth. The myth is that it’s possible to “make” yourself (or another) “feel better.”
You cannot “make” yourself feel anything, not in one single motion. Emotions and commands do not mix. You cannot simply tell yourself to be happy; you cannot tell yourself that life is great; you cannot tell yourself that all will be well, don’t worry, be happy. There have to be reasons, proof and facts to back up the statements.
Otherwise, there will be no conviction.
Conviction requires a lot of substance to back it up. A glowing, out-of-context statement comes across more as a command or a duty. Everything in you will rebel against it, as well it should.
I’m not against affirmations in principle. I’m not suggesting they’re always wrong. When you’re in somewhat of a neutral or noncommittal mood, in fact, they can be rather positive.
But when you’re down or depressed about yourself or life, an affirmation is not enough.
An affirmation is a nice, kind little statement designed to reinforce an already positive attitude towards life. But it cannot be therapy. It might enhance an already present state of emotional muscle; but it cannot be the muscle itself.
“Emotional muscle” comes from working at your outlook day in, and day out. One of the best ways to do this, to my knowledge, is to review every day for no less than 15 minutes. Write down what you liked about the day, and what you liked about yourself. Then write down where there might have been improvement. Be objective, and honest.
What am I proud of myself for doing today, large or small?
Where did I exhibit my best self? Where did I let myself down? How can I do better tomorrow?
What am I happy about? What was good today? What am I grateful for — whether I accomplished it, or somebody else did?
Doing this every single day might not be the whole secret to mental health, but it builds the emotional muscle necessary to make affirmations or other attempts at “quick fixes” less relevant.
It might seem trite or unnecessary to do these things. But you’d be surprised what a difference it can make in your emotional muscle build-up over time.
The basic issue here is living a self-aware life. Living is a continuing experiment. Over time, you acquire certainty about particular things, and you discover principles (i.e. general rules) that make sense. You write down these principles, keep track of them, make them your own because you know, in practice, they make sense and they work. This will make you less subject to the arbitrary commands of others or the (perceived or actual) wisdom of your social group.
We’re told that what we need is “faith,” but actually it’s reason and experience we desperately need above all.
People talk about not having a “center”, or even an identity. And the quest for self-esteem is well-documented. But what do these things really mean? To me, they mean taking your life seriously and applying what you learn every day of your life. Think, process, learn — repeating what works and throwing out what turns out to be an error. Don’t just go day-by-day without principles. Have general principles, and acquire some leads on those from anyone you consider wise. Yet always make them your own, by applying them and making sure they fit with reality, with your already existing knowledge and making sure that they work.
There’s no shortcut here. Life is an ongoing and always challenging expansion of your perspective, your knowledge and learning. Affirmations are fine, but never when used as a shortcut. They’re no replacement for the real thing.
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