“I Can’t Live This Way”

Dear Dr. Hurd,

My husband and I (no children) have been very happy for the last four years. Up until now.

He has become Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He’s fine one minute, then, in response to the slightest thing, he gets terribly angry and lashes out at whoever happens to be there.

There is no physical attack, but he says the most hateful things then storms off.

Later on, he acts as if nothing happened. You never know what will set him off. Before I walk out on him during his next childish tirade, I’m wondering if there’s any advice you can give.   

Dr. Hurd replies,

Repeat after me: ‘I can’t live this way.’ Powerful words, yes, and you have to mean them. Say them to your husband repeatedly. And be prepared to put them into practice.

Obviously, he has something on his mind. Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to guess, and don’t waste energy begging him to tell you. Do make sure he knows that he’s hurting you. Say, ‘If I’m really important to you, this is not the way to treat me.’ If he keeps it up, then you have your answer: He doesn’t care. Ouch! That won’t be easy to take. But it’s the truth and that’s all you’ve got. Either you misjudged him, or there are sides to him you didn’t know until now. It happens. All the time.

Some people will make excuses for him. The amateur psychiatrists will say, ‘He has a chemical imbalance. Get him on medication!’ The amateur substance abuse professionals will say, ‘Poor thing, he has a drug problem.’ Maybe so, maybe not.  But the fact remains: If he won’t take responsibility for his actions, then he’s telling you that he doesn’t care about himself any more than he cares about you. There’s no point diagnosing someone with a problem if they’re unwilling to do anything about the problem.

This way of thinking is not fashionable in our society of conspicuous compassion. In these times of walking on eggshells, we are piously chided to ‘never offend anyone.’ Ridiculous! We have to hold people accountable at least some of the time. If he’s ruining a good thing, make sure he knows you know it.

Start making space in your mind for a new beginning. Unless you can live under the shadow of his tantrums, you’re going to have to move on. You wouldn’t have written, ”before I walk out on him’ if you thought it was tolerable.

If you need a professional’s permission to say it’s OK to not live this way, consider it granted. But know that you don’t need anyone’s permission to live your life the way you see fit.

Some abusive personalities are incurable. In other words, they’re going to act like this no matter what. But some people act this way because they think it’s tolerable. It’s your job to let them know it isn’t. Once a loved one is faced with losing you over his behavior, it might motivate him to reverse course (and sustain that reversal). Your job is to find out what the truth really is. Your husband had a pretty good track record before this. Whatever is bugging him, he’s not handling it the right way. He’s not being “selfish,” because his behaviors are not indicators of self-preservation or self-interest. You can help him in any way you wish, provided he stops treating you the way he does.

If you don’t make this clear now, then you’re conveying to him that his behavior is acceptable. If you can live this way, then disregard everything I just said.

 

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