A mother of three writes, “I’ve tried to impress on my children that lying is more than just ‘bad’ or a ‘sin,’ and that the long-term effect of lying can be stressful and unhealthy. They asked me if it was ever OK to lie, like for example when you see TV cops lying to criminals to get them to confess. What can I say to them about that?”
Kids are great at finding loopholes, aren’t they! Simply tell them that sometimes people have no choice but to lie. In the example of the TV cops; if lying is instrumental in bringing a lawbreaker to justice, so be it. It’s up to the accused to stand firm if he or she is really innocent. When criminals introduce physical force into the equation, all bets are off. The greater good of safety or saving a life outweighs the respect that comes from telling the truth.
There are also innocent situations, such as lying to someone about a surprise party. The special condition is that you’re fully aware that they’ll soon know the truth and that they’ll be happy that you lied to them.
There are also situations where people are rude or fail to mind their own business, such as a stranger asking unnecessarily personal questions. You know for a fact that your personal information is none of their business, and you have no desire to form a relationship with them. In this case, sometimes a lie simply doesn’t matter.
People ask me if it’s OK to lie to a child if he or she asks a question about a subject that isn’t age appropriate. I suggest not, because other options are available. You can say to the child, “That’s something we can’t talk about right now. There’s more you have to understand first.” Or: “That’s personal between mommy and daddy. Some things are just that way.” Postponing or deflecting is better than outright lying. I have a friend with a very inquisitive 8 year old. They keep a written list of things she promises to talk to him about when he gets older. He is perfectly happy with that arrangement, and will often bring the list to her when he has a question. There’s a bigger picture here, too: When you lie to your kids, you’re teaching them that the truth can be changed simply by moving words around. In reality, of course, that just isn’t so (apparently a lot of politicians were lied to as children…).
Also, beware when kids ask a question that’s more sophisticated than you expect. They’re likely more aware of the truth than you realize. For example, “Was I adopted?” If the answer is yes, and you never said anything on the subject, don’t you think there might be some reason why the question came up? Lying would be a terrible mistake.
It’s easy to rationalize a lie. Law enforcement officials dealing with terrorists or other violent criminals don’t have a choice when physical safety is involved. But in everyday situations you might rationalize by saying, “Oh, I have to lie, because she’ll be angry and upset if I tell her.” So what? Just because somebody might be angry or upset is no reason to lie. It’s just heaping one insult on top of another. It’s healthier to face the music and live in reality than to play “let’s pretend.” Another common rationalization for lying (and being found out) is, “I was only joking.” This is the coward’s way out. Jokes are funny, but falsehoods to people you care about are not.
There are indeed certain occasions when the truth doesn’t matter as much as physical safety or privacy. Beyond that, honesty still remains the best policy. It not only grants you immunity from ever being found out, but also secures the trust of those who matter to you. That’s more precious and psychologically healthy than any short-term advantage a lie could ever bring.
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