A reader emails that the new president of her condo association is just plain obnoxious. He barks orders, talks too much, and has taken to sending nasty letters for even the slightest infraction (or what he sees as an infraction). She tells me that he is ruining her enjoyment of the building as well as that of many of the residents. She asks how they can handle him.
Well, dear Reader, nobody can ruin your enjoyment without your full consent and participation. There are lots of days and hours in the year, and this obnoxious guy need only be part of a small number of those days and hours. Yes, you’ll need strategies for coping with him while you’re in his presence. But for the rest of the time, you’re free to mentally pick him up and put him on a shelf somewhere (or wherever else you’d like to visualize him — probably best not to reveal that…).
In the interest of giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, is there any evidence that the both of you aim for the same result, only by differing means? If so, it might or might not help to point this out to him. I know that in the typical condo association, most people want the same things: quiet and pleasant surroundings. Find the common ground and seek it out with him. Ignore his nonsense. If he says something annoying, try not to show a reaction, at least to his face. I suggest this because some people run for condo president (or any presidency, now that I think of it) because they have an unhealthy or irrational need for power.
Power can mean a lot of things, but in the context of a condo association it often indicates a desire to get reactions from other people. Comedians, for example, elicit reactions through techniques that bring joy and laughter. Your power-hungry condo president, on the other hand, just wants to get a reaction. Why? Because it makes him feel alive. Neurotic behavior is fueled in part by a need to shock or irritate others for nothing other than the sake of doing so. Most of us feel alive by living life to the fullest and doing good work. Not so with an obnoxious neurotic.
I don’t know if this describes the man, and I’m certainly not suggesting it describes everyone who seeks office. The real issue here is what causes his obnoxious behavior. Obnoxious people can’t get validation from themselves, so they seek reactions from others by being blowhards. And it works. Such a person is happy to know how annoyed you are by his behavior. That’s another reason why I stress that you don’t let him know that he irritates you, thereby giving the affirmation he wants. Human behavior isn’t always a pretty picture.
Don’t expect more than this man will (or is able to) deliver, but don’t totally write him off. Most annoying people have a few rational elements left that you can work with. To test this, make a list of what you’d like to achieve with your association. Remind yourself that you might not accomplish any of them, but next year you can vote for somebody different. If you try to keep in mind that you and he might actually share a few goals in common, then work together on those. Compliment and flatter him if you like, in the interest of getting things done. Some progress is better than none.
I feel sorry for some (not all) obnoxious people. Some of them mean no harm and are just trying to do things right. They drive people away, and when they sense this they panic and get worse. This is the responsibility of the obnoxious person who refuses to identify his errors and change his ways. And, it’s sadder for him than for those he annoys. After all, we can (literally or figuratively) vote such people out of our lives. But, sadly, they still have to go on being who they are, long after you’re done with them.
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