People often tell me how concerned they are that they or their children not be “losers.” They’re surprised when I tell them that losing can sometimes be good for your mental health.
Of course, in a competitive sense, it’s clearly better to win than to lose. But sometimes life is less a competition with others than it is with your own best standards. Losing is a critical part of our inability to automatically gain knowledge or achieve success without effort. This natural fact requires that failure be possible, and it’s that possibility that makes success meaningful.
Think how pointless success would be if achievement were guaranteed! What would be the point of career fulfillment if income and survival were automatic? Accomplishment would be worth nothing if failure were not possible.
Over the years, I’ve read of schools, parents, teachers and coaches who try to “protect” kids from losing by eliminating winning and losing from sports and other competitions. Some schools have even done away with honor rolls, valedictorians and salutatorians because they see it as wrong to elevate a higher achiever above a lesser achiever. Such misguided policies are based on very wrong ideas about losing. They instill in a child that losing is something to avoid at all costs — even at the cost of pretending that it doesn’t exist! This is beyond insane.
Recent biological research backs this up. At Stanford University, Dr. Carol Dweck tracked and compared the brain waves of different people. She found that there are two types of brain wave patterns: “growth” mindsets and “fixed” mindsets. She discovered that people with growth mindsets become focused and attentive after making a mistake. Those with fixed mindsets never enter this focused state, showing little or no advancement after failure.
University of Southern California neuroscientist Antoine Bechara isolated two equally sized centers in the prefrontal cortex of the brain; one that appears to be responsible for the fear of failure and the other for the lure of success. It is between these, he claims, where the mental “debate” between risk and reward takes place, as they interact during the decision-making process. This might account for the differences between the growth and fixed mindsets. Dr. Bechera concludes, “In a normally functioning brain, failure is welcomed as an opportunity for learning and strengthening the species.” In other words, natural selection at work.
You don’t have to be a neuroscientist to observe the attitudes people have about failure and loss. For years, mental health professionals have noted differences between people who interpret losing in depressing terms as opposed to people who turn mistakes into opportunities for improvement. The simple fact is that failure happens for a reason, and we possess the power to discover that reason and to become wiser and stronger. The notion that failure is opportunity is not some phony cliché to make you feel better. It really is the truth.
Evidence points to the fact that the way we think shapes our brains as much as the other way around. And false beliefs can short-circuit healthy thinking. One false belief is that we must be approved of by virtually everyone. Ridiculous. Another false belief is that one must be one-hundred percent competent, or else one is inadequate. Y’know, it’s OK to NOT be good at something! If you feel like you excel at nothing, then you simply haven’t found your talents yet. The challenge is to get out there, maybe even fail a few times, and discover your strengths.
Another false belief is that our past history is an all-important determiner of our present behavior. This explains why some people are unable to view a mistake as something temporary from which they can learn and recover. Instead, they see it as something that will forever shape their future experiences. A sad, yet self-fulfilling prophesy if there ever was one.
So many of our troubles and worries are rooted in false beliefs and mistaken ideas. No wonder losing and failure get such a bad rap.
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