Search Results for: regret

“Don’t Be a Quitter” … Always Wise?

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…ny still admit that the bulk of those years were good, and that they don’t regret the entirety of the former relationship. More often, I hear people say that they regret “how long I stayed.” Well, this would seem to argue the case for a more rational approach to endings. Change isn’t failure. In order to change for the better, sometimes you just have to proudly stand up and quit.     Follow Dr. Hurd on Facebook. Search under “Michael Hurd” (Charle… Continue reading →

Do People With Authentic Self-Esteem Feel Shame?

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…inals (by Stanton Samenow and others), a criminal feels a certain sense of regret or even shame over having been caught, or exposed. Criminals typically pretend to value the same things as non-criminals, making an apology or regret seem plausible, but that of course is only an act. You might feel embarrassment at committing a social faux pas or perhaps saying something you later realize was a little foolish, or insensitive, or not reflective of wh… Continue reading →

Apology as The Last Word (DE Wave)

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…s just that. When you apologize, you’re saying: ‘I know I was wrong, and I regret it.’ Encouraging others (or ourselves) to be meek and humble is no way to achieve justice. What matters is whether you’re right or wrong, according to the facts. The goal is not to be — or to be — sorry. The goal is to acknowledge the truth. An apology is a healthy, self-interested act, and the greatest effect is on the person apologizing. Psychotherapist and author… Continue reading →

Her Father the Monster

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…free.” To forgive someone, the person has to be sorry. It’s not enough to regret that you were caught or exposed. There’s no way of knowing if Castro is truly sorry. However, most of what we know about criminal minds (see Stanton Samenow’s ‘Inside the Criminal Mind’) tells us that he feels regret over being caught, not remorse. Criminal psychology and sex addiction are not the same thing. Some sex addicts are criminal mentalities, but most are no… Continue reading →

You Can’t Have Your Apology and Eat it, Too

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…ger to this kind of double-talk. The ‘apologizer’ is saying, in effect, ‘I regret that you perceived my actions in such-and-such a way.’ This phony apology is worse than no apology at all. Pretending to accept responsibility for one’s actions while, in fact, transferring that responsibility to the one you victimized is a crafty psychological trick made possible by'(yup, you guessed it) subjectivism. Subjectivism is the false idea that there is no… Continue reading →

Confronting death is difficult

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…em alone.’ You’re also going to end up with a lot of unnecessary guilt and regret. Several years ago a friend of mine was dealing with the terminal illness of her husband. She told their friends, ‘Call him and talk to him. Don’t worry about what to say. It will allow him to think about something other than doctors and hospitals. He wants to know that something else is going on in the world other than his illness.’ How insightful! Don’t assume the… Continue reading →

No Regrets

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…n and all the other things for which people gulp Prozac and Paxil once the regret-filled mindset takes over. Think of regret as the psychological equivalent of a tightrope walker, balancing high off the ground and letting himself—indeed, making himself—look down, to deliberately disturb his concentration. If a tightrope walker did this, we’d say, ‘How foolish and dangerous!’ But it’s interesting how so many people do the same thing mentally by sti… Continue reading →

Volitional Deficit Disorder

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…rop what you’re doing and move on to something else, even though later you regret it. If you had no reason to later regret it, we wouldn’t be focusing on it now. The solution here would seem to be, at the start of a task, to tell yourself: ‘I will feel like placing my attention elsewhere. But I will resist the urge. I will finish this part of the task to completion.’ This then begs the question: ‘What is completion, in this context?’ I add the phr… Continue reading →

Treat yourself to an apology

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…ce, when you apologize, you’re saying: ‘I know what I did was wrong, and I regret it.’ Encouraging others—or ourselves—to be meek and humble is no way to achieve justice. What matters is whether you’re right or wrong, according to your best understanding of the facts. Why should you apologize if you know you’re right? The goal isn’t to be—or not be—sorry. The goal is to acknowledge the truth and apologize only for what you see as your error. An ap… Continue reading →

The Error of Regrets

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…ot so with the past. Therefore, to dwell on the past is a big mistake. The regret-filled person may counter, “But I must learn from the past.” That’s fine, but learning is not dwelling. To dwell is to stare. And to feel regret and remorse represents the end result of staring. Learning means to look objectively, at a distance, and as briefly as possible–for the sole and immediate purpose of making some kind of premise correction or behavioral chang… Continue reading →

Confronting the death of a friend or loved one can be difficult

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…ou’re also going to end up with a lot of unnecessary feelings of guilt and regret, not only at the gravesite, but afterwards. I recently knew of someone dealing with the terminal illness of her husband. When talking to their friends, she advised: ‘Call him and talk to him. Don’t worry about what to say. The purpose of calling him is to allow him to have something else to think about aside from doctors, hospitals, and questionable treatments. He wa… Continue reading →