Changing negative first impressions is difficult. A person who forms a negative impression of another person will be less inclined to meet that person a second time because that person has been judged in a negative light. Without subsequent meetings, the person who has been judged negatively does not have an opportunity to change the mind of the person who judged them. Additionally, once a first impression is formed, people are less likely to change their minds due to the psychological principle of consistency. When a person articulates an idea, they are less likely to change their minds because they must first admit that they were initially wrong. Maintaining an erroneous notion, such as a first impression, causes less anxiety than admitting an error and adopting another position. [John R. Schafer, Ph.D., writing at psychologytoday.com 12/26/14]
Why do first impressions matter? Because initially, it’s all you have to go on. A first impression is a starting point; nothing more, and nothing less.
Should first impressions matter? Most of the time, not as much as they end up mattering. Schafer is correct that in order to reduce anxiety, people will sometimes treat their first impressions as absolute fact. Cognitively, it’s simpler that way. However, this only happens when a person lacks the skill of objective, critical thinking — about people. Because of this lack of critical thinking, the person becomes anxious at the prospect of relying on anything other than his emotions, because he doesn’t know what else to rely upon.
If you’re a critical thinker in the realm of emotions and people, then you’ll identify your first impression for what it is. You’ll recognize what your emotional response to the person is, and then consider whether that’s enough of a response for drawing a conclusion, or not.
For example, let’s say a person does or says something in your first meeting that you consider a complete breach of character. You might notice that the person you’ve met is fine with lying, or putting others down behind their backs, and then acting nice to their faces. If this tells you “all you need to know” regarding why you don’t want any significant association with this person, then it’s valid and justified.
However, first impressions usually refer to unarticulated emotions. If you’re not self-aware about bringing your emotions into consciousness, you’re much more subject to biases or prejudices about people that — even in your own objective thinking — don’t matter as much as your feelings indicate they should. As a result, you’ll dismiss someone after a first meeting or encounter when your own reasoning mind — had it been employed — would have led you to a different conclusion.
In his article, Schafer provides the example of introverts vs. extroverts. Introverts, he says, often see extroverts (on first meeting) as brash, bossy and insensitive while extroverts (on first meeting) often view introverts as socially awkward, “nerdy,” or people who think too much. These refer to personal styles rather than fundamental character issues, and it’s perfectly possible for an introvert to gain by knowing an extrovert, and vice-versa. Sometimes people are even attracted to their opposites in personality style for the sake of having something refreshing and different. Without the willingness and ability to challenge negative first impressions, many valuable personal and business associations would never take place.
The issue of first impressions is closely related to the issue of judgmentalism. “Judgmentalism” refers to elevating emotions above reason and fact when evaluating someone else you know.
In battling judgmentalism, some people conclude that conclusions or appraisals of other people should be thrown out the window. But that’s not the solution. As I already indicated, you might learn something about a person — even upon a first meeting — which tells you all you need to know about not wanting to associate with that person.
Judgmentalism becomes a problem only when you leave your assessments of other people to the realm of unexamined emotions. It’s like flying an airplane without radar, or without eyesight. You can’t expect to rely on emotions alone, because emotions can be rationally valid or completely groundless — even by your own reasoned out conclusions. Emotions are neither automatically and inherently right, nor automatically wrong. Conscious, clear-headed thinking has to be utilized to sift out fact from fiction in one’s emotions.
Many of us swing between two false extremes. On the one side, we try not to judge people because we sense — accurately — that our sweeping emotions might not automatically or always deliver a fair verdict about a person. But in our refusal to be judgmental, we end up throwing out rational assessment altogether. The swing goes from a false and phony stance (to oneself and others) of “I don’t judge, I don’t judge” to a secret and guilt-laden policy (in most people) of wholeheartedly judging people by their emotions and petty biases alone.
The key to developing or continuing an association with a person isn’t only or primarily whether they’re good people. It’s perfectly reasonable and possible to conclude about a person: “Seems like a perfectly fine individual; just not for me.”
The problem with relying on unexamined first impressions is that you might push aside someone who actually is for you, but initial and uncritical evaluations are leading you to make a mistake in judgment.
If you feel as if you don’t like someone after a first meeting and don’t know why, consider that your emotions might be the issue as much as the person him- or herself. I’ve heard people say things like, “I didn’t like that song the first time I heard it, but loved it later on. I must have been in a bad mood the first time I heard it.” Or, “I didn’t like that restaurant the first time, because I ordered the wrong item,” or, “I didn’t enjoy my vacation to that city because I wasn’t aware of what would be most enjoyable to do.” It applies to people just as much, if not more.
It’s fine and even necessary to evaluate people. But don’t do it by emotions alone, and don’t rely on first impressions unless you know why your first impression is the way it is. It works in the opposite direction, too. First impressions — especially in cases of sexual or romantic attraction, although in other cases, as well– often provide a more positive or inflated point-of-view than the one you will eventually hold about the person, getting to know him or her better. Reason, thought — and usually time — are the real solutions here.