When experiencing doubts about a relationship or marriage, here’s a question you might not have considered asking yourself:
Does the existence of my relationship/marriage make my life better than it otherwise would be?
It’s so easy to lose perspective; to fail to see the bigger picture. Stand back from your relationship once in awhile, even if it seems to be going fine. Ask yourself: what, on the whole, am I getting out of being involved with this person? And what psychological costs do I pay, if any?
And then, the hardest question: is it worth it?
If you’re at all conflicted about your romantic relationship, then this will be a difficult exercise for you to do. For one thing, you’ve been taught not to be “selfish;” and it is quite selfish to think seriously about whether you’re getting what you want out of your relationship.
Do it anyway. Be selfish. Why? Because your own mental stability — which is certainly in your partner’s interest, too — depends upon it.
If you’re like most people, you don’t analyze your personal life very much. You do analyze your financial and career life extensively — consulting consumer magazines, websites, and hiring experts. But you minimize your personal life, as if it were supposed to somehow run on “automatic pilot.”
You’ve also been taught not to expect very much out of life in general or marriage in particular.
If you’re a man, you’ve been led to believe that women are basically irrational and incapable of reason; therefore, why bother to aim higher and seek out a more reasonable woman? Or hold her to a more rational standard?
If you’re not getting what you want, you can always indulge in online porn fantasy, your buddies tell you; or have an extramarital affair. Or, if that’s not your moral or psychological style, then you can simply throw yourself into work or time with your male friends.
Women have been taught not to expect very much out of men, either. In earlier eras (and to some degree, even today) women were told by their mothers to marry a man for security, not satisfaction. “So long as he brings home a paycheck and does not abuse you too much, what’s the problem?”
Today, under the influence of victim-oriented, warmed over 1970s feminism, many women have been taught to think that all men are exploitative beasts, never to be trusted. Most women are not feminists per se, but to one degree or another they have made some of this viewpoint their own.
Women are rigorously trained not to trust men — any men. It’s a socially sanctioned form of prejudice.
The point is: you can and should expect something of your partner. What’s reasonable to expect? Anything you expect of yourself (and live up to) is also reasonable to expect of another person. Ideally, your spouse should be someone you can look up to and admire.
If you’re unhappy with your relationship, then do the following exercise. Ask yourself: what would life be like if my spouse, beginning tonight, never came home again? What would I feel at first? And what would I feel after a month? Six months? Over a period of years? Focus not only on what your emotions would be, but also on what the objective, factual reality of your circumstances would be.
I don’t wish to be morbid or cruel. But I do want to help you gain some perspective; to help you make sure that you’re not taking your relationship, and what it has to offer you, for granted. Also, you need to learn exactly in what way and for what reasons you value your current romantic relationship.
Most of the people who do this exercise start to recognize that their marriage is more important to them than they realize. As a consequence, they can appreciate it much more.
They start to treat their spouses better; and their spouses respond in turn.
Some of the people who do this exercise realize that they in fact would be much happier without their spouse in their lives. At this point, some difficult decisions must be made.
But it’s still better to be psychologically aware than to live in evasion and denial, as so many do.
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