If you're duplicitous, disingenuous or otherwise manipulative towards another person, then consider the mistake you're making. By being manipulative, you're counting on a weakness or foolishness in the person whose behavior you seek to alter by a means other than reason. You're doing this -- why, exactly? You're doing it in order to gain something from them. What are you trying to gain? Something involving their intelligence or sophistication. In practice, you're counting on someone to be weak and foolish so that you can utilize their intelligence and wisdom.

Don't you think if a person really is worth manipulating, he's likewise incapable of being manipulated?

The contradiction involved is obvious. That's why only the foolish and unintelligent are stupid enough to practice deception or manipulation. They're right that they need assistance. But they're not going to get it in this way -- at least, not from anyone who has something to offer.

When you do things for people that they're capable of doing themselves, you do great harm to them. It's the same as telling them: "You're incapable" -- even though they are. By doing the thing for them, you're taking over their sense of self-determination and autonomy. These things matter. In this crazy age we live in, people scream that "self-esteem" is all that matters, and they use this battle cry as an excuse to do all manner of things for people whether they ask for the help, or not; whether they can do it for themselves, or not; whether it's truly their own responsibility, or not. When you act in this way, it's important that you acknowledge at least one thing: This is really all about you. What you call "help" for the sake of another is really your own agenda. The fact that you aren't conscious of what this agenda is does NOT make it reasonable and rational; and the fact that you refuse to acknowledge that you have your own agenda ("I would never act for my own sake!") does not change the fact that you do. I know that in our age of altruism and conspicuous compassion that the ever-present commandments are "do for others" and "be supportive." These are categorical imperatives and they do not answer to reason, facts, logic or objective circumstances. You dare not question them at any time according to the moralists, "spiritualists" and psychological pundits of our era. When all is sacrificed for these things, you're left with very little.

Q: I know you, like Ayn Rand, write about the "virtue of self-interest" and contend that self-fulfillment is both moral and rationally healthy. Don't you think there are situations where self-denial is a virtue and is, indeed, psychologically healthy? Can't self-denial make you stronger?

A: No way! There is never, ever a situation in which denying something of value leads to greater personal strength. This mistaken idea can come from only one of two notions: (1) The totally false, but widely accepted, notion of self-sacrifice or altruism, in the sense Ayn Rand wrote about—in which giving up of values is defined as virtue and, in some sense, a “strength”; or (2) an incorrect definition of values. What I mean by "incorrect definition of values" is accepting something as a value which is in fact, objectively speaking, against your interest. I’ll start with a simple case, although one not relevant to most people personally. Let’s say you “value” crack cocaine. If one holds that as a value, then of course it leads to greater strength to finally deny it as a value and eliminate it from your life. But this doesn’t affirm the notion that SOME denial of values leads to greater strength; it merely reaffirms the notion that eliminating something that might FEEL or SEEM like a value (as crack cocaine does to an addict) but ISN’T (objectively) a value leads to greater strength. This isn’t a case for “giving up” values; it’s a case for achieving values and ONLY values—not “anti-values” or non-values.

The implication of all this is that anything that IS a value, objectively speaking, will always strengthen and enhance your life. You ought to respond by treasuring that value; fighting for it; enjoying it; or whatever term is applicable to the particular value in question.

The key is that you choose values that really are in the interest of your life. So long as you do, your life and character will always be stronger for it. If you find a conflict between the two, then it’s time to look at the value itself and whether it really is something that advances your life.